Allow me to travel back in time for a bit. It was between 2012 and 2013 when it was normal for me to be up until 3:00AM due to school work and work. You see, I was a working student. I was a full-time Psychology student juggling two jobs as a virtual assistant just to pay for my tuition and to have my allowance. While certain times during the day and afternoon allowed me to take on one job, the second job needed me to be online from 7:00PM to 2:00AM.
Thankfully, I wasn’t monitored so I could do my schoolwork in between. A few people kept me company during the later hours, and one of them was my college best friend. Let’s call her Em. She was your typical girl next door with a realistic vision of a romantic partner. During this time, she had a couple of suitors who she didn’t really vibe with. She paid attention to them enough that they were hooked on to her, but I could tell that she was about to let them off soon.
One night, we were talking about how she was peer-pressured into choosing one of them. One of the suitors was slightly popular with the ladies from another school, and her friends were egging her into going for him. But she just didn’t feel that they’d connect. She was a bookworm, he played video games a lot. She was a homebody, he was an athlete. She was introverted, he was extroverted. Long story short, they were polar opposites. Naturally, she asked me if it was a good idea to give him a shot because maybe there was something more to him than on the surface.
It was quite idealistic to be honest, but I told her not to rush the decision if she had doubts. Fast forward to two weeks, she told me that they both had an interesting conversation and that the boy told him that she was “too smart” for him. He wasn’t able to hold a serious conversation and could only muster conversations that were, at best, small talk.
“Nice weather”
“That basketball team, huh?”
I knew what she meant and she was disappointed. Here she was, hoping that there was something more to the guy but it turned out she was right. She then asked me if she was too smart, to which I replied that there’s no such as “too smart” and then she told me that she might’ve been at fault for driving him away because of her standards. This was something that I’d expected to hear from her, but I told her two things that changed the way she perceived her standards for her future partner.
#1 Your Standards Are Non-Negotiable, But Allow For Compromise!
Non-negotiable but compromisable. Isn’t that contradictory? Well, allow me to shed some light here. Your standards for your future partner should not be set in stone, but it should be set in a way that it doesn’t affect you negatively when you compromise. When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a two-way street. Things are reciprocated. When your partner compromises, it’s only fair that you should as well. You should also realize that your partner will have standards too and that you should be able to meet them too.
If one of your standards is for your partner to be able to hold a meaningful conversation, an easy compromise is not to expect it too often. My wife and I have meaningful conversations about a lot of things, but it’s not almost always. Most of the time, I say the stupidest shit and she’ll have to deal with it.
#2 Never Apologize For Your Standards!
If a potential suitor doesn’t adhere to your standards, such as “being too smart”, do not apologize for it. Do not lower your standards for someone who’s not willing to rise up to yours. This is where the compromise comes in too. The courting phase will tell you everything there is to know about how much your potential partner is willing to “rise” up to your standards, altogether with you being able to rise up to theirs.
What’s The Bottomline?
Reflecting on her experiences with her past relationships has made her realize, at some point, that she may have not been enough for them. Or that she should’ve just taken it easier on them in the hopes of seeing them improve in their own right. But what would’ve that cost her if she did stay with them? Settling down for them because they were the only ones who pursued her would’ve been the easy way out, but she wouldn’t be happy in the long run. She’d end up in a rut with her partner, but eventually, it’d be over them too. What would’ve been the endgame for her if she did settle down?
I’ve known people in romantic relationships last for a decade or so, but called it quits because the rut was killing them. It was the same thing over and over, with no sign from one another to improve one’s self. Wasting your time with someone who you feel will never be able to make you happy is the worst. But on the other hand, I’ve also known people get married even after just a few months of being together. Why is that? Maybe it’s the Goldilocks effect. For them, the person was just right for them and deep down, they know it and they wouldn’t be able to find another person who’ll make them feel like that again.
Maybe this was what my friend wanted. A person who was just right for her. Nothing too excess, nothing too lacking. But just enough.
